It’s time for more Tuesdays with Tim! This time, Tim and Christina talk about living with intention and facing your fear of attachment. Tim talks to Christina about her talking to the local baseball coach. Tim shares insights on why he thinks Christina isn’t approaching the man, and encourages her to give it a try. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? Tune in for more great talk from Tim and Christina and share in their unique friendship and outlook on relationships.
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Tuesdays With Tim | Living With Intention And Asking Out The Baseball Coach
Let’s go to deal breakers. Excessive self-love, deal-breaker or not?
What type of self-love are we talking about? It would be the question. Is it sexual self-love?
You read too many smut books.
It’s funny you say that because I finished a series about a girl who has a sex addiction. Her masturbating is self-love, which is what they call in the book. Naturally, that’s where my mind went because I finished that series.
That’s not where my mind went to. She talks about the way she looks. She is in love with herself. One of my biggest pet peeves is that when I say, “I like that outfit on you. You look pretty,” or something and I get, “Gross.” I don’t like that. In my opinion, self-love would be like, “Thank you. I do look good today.”
A deal breaker would be the no self-love but you’re okay with self-love.
I’m perfectly okay with a woman that has a lot of self-confidence. On my very first date with my wife of many years, she had a Led Zeppelin half shirt on and a brown jacket because it was November. It was a little cold. It was a brown jean jacket over a black Led Zeppelin shirt, the low hip-huggers and jeans. She had a belly button ring, a little Playboy sticker tan on her lower stomach and high heels. You don’t wear that unless you’re confident in your body and the way that you look. The way that somebody represents themselves to the public eye, whether that be physically or the way that you speak to somebody, self-love plays a lot into that. Self-love gives you confidence. What about you?
Excessive self-love is not a deal-breaker, but there comes to a point where with men, it’s different from women. Men with excessive self-love turned into cocky or jockey almost.
There’s a line between self-love and being cocky.
Next, we know the answer to this one, abusive behavior. That’s a deal-breaker for me.
It depends. Any type of physical abuse is a deal-breaker like physically and sexually abusive, which happens a lot. It’s not talked about enough because there’s a perception that because you’re married, you have to. That’s bad in a lot of different places. Emotional abuse is also a deal-breaker but it depends on how the person perceives abuse. People use the term getting emotionally abused too much.
If I raise my voice because I’m unhappy, I’m not emotionally abusing you. I’m raising my voice because I’m unhappy. If I’m raising my voice, yelling at you and calling you every single name in the book and making you feel about the size of an ant, that’s emotional abuse. I’ve seen both men and women talk about how they’re emotionally abused and get down to the crux of it, and they’re not being emotionally abused. Ninety-five percent, it’s an absolute deal-breaker but it depends on what the person says.
I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been in one of those types of relationships. In my previous marriage, I don’t know if you could say it was abusive, but I was married to a narcissist and I didn’t realize it. That was a slap in the face there. Next is the control freak. I’m partial to a control freak only because I like to be in control myself.
This was difficult for me because I’m a control freak. It’s not a deal-breaker. You should find one. They’re great.
I’m at a place in my life where I’d like to give up some of that control. I don’t allow someone else to take it.Live a purposeful life. Live with intention. If you just continue to say nothing, that's not living with intention. Click To Tweet
As long as the control is not abusive like you are never allowed to go out and hang out with anybody, that type of control freak is a deal-breaker. A control freak like, “I’ll handle the finances. I like to be in the know of where all our money is going. I have a say in what we do,” and stuff like that. It’s part of my PTSD because when you’re not in control, your mind goes awry. Bad things happen when you’re not in control. It messes with my brain.
I’m going to add control freak in the bedroom to that list. I read too many smut books and I’m a female. If a man were to have control in the bedroom, I would take it. Whereas your face is telling me, “No,” that’s because you like to have control in the bedroom. You’re in charge.
We went through the whole thing. If I had a bad attitude or I was an asshole, she’s not going to give it up because it’s like, “Why would I do that if you’re being an asshole?” We’re at such a point in our relationship where we’ve been together for so long. She’s like, “I’m yours. If you want some, take some.” That was a horrible thing like, “I’m never going to say no to you anymore.” That took all pressure off of everything because it’s like, “I know that I can get it whenever I want.” That gave me more control as well but when you get down to business, it depends. If she’s been drinking, she has full control and I fucking can’t control any of it. If she gets some tequila in her, I’m like, “You go, girl. High five. Good job.”
Next is bad breath.
There’s this one girl. I’m not going to mention any names. She’s a great kisser but has horrible breath.
Lack of etiquette or manners.
Deal-breaker. Don’t be a fucking asshole. I hate it.
It’s a deal-breaker for me as well.
I cannot stay with people that are assholes on staff. My biggest pet peeve is when you’re an asshole to a waitress when it’s no fault of her own. Even then, I don’t know if she or he is stressed out because they had a shitty customer that yelled at them. They have to come over to my table and try to smile. They were not smiling and were frustrated about something. I have a complaint about something and they’re like, “Meh.” I get it.
If someone doesn’t have a car, is that a deal-breaker?
Yes. You are old. You should probably have a fucking car.
I didn’t want to say that’s a deal-breaker because I would look like a total dick.
I’ll be a dick. I don’t care.
This is more for a female than it is for a male. Is excessive chest or back hair a deal-breaker?
Absolutely. If I take her shirt off and she’s got chest and back hair, the deal is off because I’m not taking your pants off. I don’t want to see what’s on your back.
I’m okay, but excessive, I’m not okay with that. Chest hair and back hair for a male are pretty normal, but if it’s too excessive, it’s not.
That’s no chest hair and no back hair.
That’s not a deal-breaker for me. My ex-husband didn’t have chest hair or back hair either.
I’m an Indian and the only thing I got was I’m not hairy at all.
Poor hygiene, that’s a deal-breaker for me. I don’t want to smell your stinky ass.
It’s a deal-breaker. I would tend to put that at the top of the list. If you have dirty fingernails or toenails, I’m not talking about you coming back from playing softball. I’m talking about consistently having dirty toenails and not taking care of yourself. That speaks multitudes about the way that you live life. It takes not a lot of time.
My fingernails and toenails are always trimmed and clean. I always smell good, like a manly deodorant smell. Britney made fun of me before because before I go to bed, I have a nighttime cologne that I spritz in the air and walk through it. It’s not super heavy and very strong. That’s why it’s a nighttime cologne. Every single night, we climb a bed, cuddling, talking and putting afoot of each other. I want to make sure I smell good.
This one might be tricky and may cause some questions. Is it a deal-breaker if they’re broken?
My answer is no as well.
I like to fix things. It’s one of my toxic traits.
I don’t like to fix things but I can’t make it a deal-breaker if I’m also broken.
That’s why I went to engineering school and what I’ve been doing my entire life. I was physically working on things and fixing things. I have friends that are going through stuff, and they’re not doing well. I like to be that caveat that helps them.
They don’t want to introduce you to their family or friends.
Deal-breaker.You only live once. Just do it. Click To Tweet
Deal breaker also. Why would you want to keep me a secret?
Our brain is like, “What are you hiding, motherfucker?”
Does not want to hang out with your family.
I don’t care.
I don’t care but they have to have a legitimate reason like, “Did my family do something to you? Do they offend you? Give me a reason, if you don’t want to hang out, then fine. You can stay home.”
My wife and I, our rule is I handle my family drama and she handles her family drama. If her mom offends me, I don’t confront her mom. I say, “Babe, your mom said this.” She was like, “I’ll take care of it.” She goes and takes care of it. If my dad or my mom offends her, I take care of my side of the family. We don’t try to cross streams because I don’t want to put her under the pressure of, “That’s my mom and that’s my husband. My mom called my husband an asshole and he called her a bitch.” Now, they’re fighting and super awkward.
For a while, her mom didn’t like me at all because I posted some “feminists make me a sandwich” things on Facebook. I was joking. She deleted me from her friends list on Facebook and blocked me. She didn’t talk to me because how dare I treat her daughter like that. Britney handled it and we’re friends now. For a while, it was super awkward but we still hung out. For a while, something happened and we didn’t hang out with my family for a couple of years. It depends. If there’s a legitimate reason, sure. If it’s not a legitimate reason, you should be in a comfortable enough relationship.
Trash talks about their ex.
There’s a reason they’re your ex.
Is that a deal-breaker or not?
No. That makes me feel good. I’m doing something right.
This is a stupid question. Having sex with other people, is that a deal-breaker?
Of course. That’s a 2022 question with all these polyamorous polynomial mathematical equation relationships where everybody is sleeping with everybody. I do not share. We had that talk. We were on an Air Force base and for whatever reason, Air Force couples like to swing. That’s a thing. They have a little pineapple in their kitchen and you start drinking. She was like, “Your wife’s hot.” I was like, “Thanks. I appreciate it.” He’s like, “What do you think about my wife?” I’m like, “She’s hot too. Good job.” He’s like, “You want to fuck her?” “Excuse you?” I was like, “We’re not having this conversation.”
A couple of weeks go by and Britney would have been approached by the same thing from his wife, “What do you think of my husband? Do you want to fuck with him?” It’s all these things where we meet and talk. We sat down and had a serious conversation. We went, “Absolutely not.” The thing that I don’t have to worry about or deal with is sleeping with one person, especially since I have a vasectomy. I don’t have to worry about pregnancy, STD or anything, zero. It’s an absolute deal-breaker.
Lack of ambition. That’s a deal-breaker for me. My ex-husband had no ambition for anything. If he could, he would have sat on the couch all day, every day and never moved. He would not even shower.
That’s rough. I would have a hard time.
Is that a deal-breaker or partial? You have to live it to decide.
I have all the ambition in the world. I have enough ambition for both of us, and I’ve achieved that. I got my promotion.
What if she didn’t have any ambition at all? She wasn’t motivated to look forward to the future.
When you say my ambition, I’m only thinking about a career.
I’m thinking full-on ambition about life, having a clean house, not wanting to go places and do things. That’s my version of ambition. Constantly cancels plans.
I don’t care.
That’s a deal-breaker for me.
We’re thinking about this in two different ways.
What are your versions? You’re married. I’m not.
That’s what I was thinking. We’re thinking about two different things.
If you’re dating your wife and every time you plan something, she cancels.
That would bother me.
That’s a deal-breaker for me in the dating sense of things. I can’t speak for marriage because I always did everything by myself. You’re already married, so this doesn’t count. Shows up more than a little late every time you do something.
Not a deal-breaker.
That would get on my nerves. If I’m not fifteen minutes early, I’m late.
That’s how I am. You have to be on time. At the same time, I love my wife, but she’s always late. It never fails. I don’t care.Sometimes, harshness requires is required in order for you to push yourself to the next level. Click To Tweet
Unemployed in dating. You’re married. You have children. Unemployed to you means that your wife is a stay-at-home mom. That is okay.
While we’re dating, correct. You need to be working.
Indecisive. It’s not a deal-breaker for me because I’m indecisive also.
I don’t care because that happens all the time.
Kinky, deal-breaker or not?
Not a deal-breaker. It’s like, “That sucks. I wish you weren’t so kinky.” Who the fuck says that?
Gets super drunk?
It depends on how often they’re getting super drunk. If we went out with friends and you got super drunk, it’s okay. If it’s a once every couple of weeks thing or once a month thing, I would say that’s not a deal-breaker, but if you’re getting super drunk every night or multiple nights a week, then it’s a deal-breaker.
I can see that because I don’t care if you drink, but if you’re getting drunk all the time, that was a thing. We went through that for a while. I said, “Pick one. Do you want more? Do you need the booze?” It was me, but we both didn’t drink for two and half years.
We went through all the cards. Do you want to play Would You Rather?
That’s funny. Are any of them appropriate or all inappropriate?
I would assume some of them are appropriate. We’ll do one more set of cards. Would you rather wake up in a dinghy in the middle of the ocean alone or wake up bound and gagged in the back of a trunk?
Did I get kidnapped or is it some dominatrix thing? If it’s some dominatrix thing, I’m down. Kidnap me, ball and gag, take me up and do all that stuff. That’s cool. However, it’s probably not, considering the circumstances. I take the dinghy in the raft in the middle of the ocean. How about you?
I would prefer neither.
That’s not how Would You Rather works.
I would rather be found in a dinghy alone only because chances are if I’m gagged and in the back of a trunk, someone’s about to rape me and I would rather not deal with that. Let’s go that way. Would you rather own a vacation home in the mountains or at the beach? Mountains.
Beach. I don’t want to live at the beach. I want to live in the mountains. The question is, “Would you rather have a vacation home at the beach or in the mountains?”
I’d rather have a vacation home in the mountains.
I’m going to live in the mountains.
Would you rather have lobster claws or hedge clippers for hands like Edward Scissorhands?
My wife likes that movie, so Edward Scissorhands.
I’d go with clippers for hands. Do you know how many things you could do with clippers?
Do you know how many things you can’t do with clippers? Come on.
There is a lot but you can’t do that much with lobster claws either.
I want to softly crisp my wife’s face. Guess what I’m not doing with clippers? At least with a lobster claw, it’s a little bit smooth.
Would you rather have a bad spray tan or a bad hair dye job?
Hair dye job.
What lasts longer, spray tan or hair dye?
If it’s a hair dye, I can easily go back to the hairstylist and have them redo it. A spray tan is going to last a week. Do you want to have a bad spray tan for an entire week or would you rather have a bad hair dye job that you could go get fixed the next day?
I’ve seen where they can’t fix it.It feels like everybody's been locked in their house and locked in the cage for the last two and a half years, and everybody forgot how to socialize. Click To Tweet
You can always fix it. You just toss dark hair color over. It doesn’t matter.
Not if they fry it.
Would you rather live as a severe germophobe with horrible OCD or have multiple personalities that weren’t all fun?
Probably the multiple personalities because I’m pretty OCD and people say that I’m OCD. I don’t want to say that I’m OCD. I like to have an organization aspect to the house like, “This is where things go. This is where my shoes go every night. This is where my pajamas go.” When I hang my shirts up in my closet, they’re color-coordinated. Jackets, gym shirts, hang-out shirts and dress shirts are color-coordinated. Things have a place. Am I OCD where it gives me anxiety and I’ll freak out if something’s not the right way? No. I would not classify it as OCD but I do have a little bit of OCD tendencies but multiple personalities that are all fun, yeah. I couldn’t imagine being a germophobe. I’m not a germophobe.
I would choose multiple personalities. Being a germophobe would be a downer in life. Would you rather have a snowball fight or a water balloon fight?
Water balloon. Snowballs hurt.
I’d rather have a snowball fight. Water balloons hurt too. When they hit you in the face, bounce right off of you and don’t pop, that hurts.
You’re telling me that ice hitting you in the face is going to hurt less than water?
No, it’s packed in a ball.
Which is what?
I’ve been thrown a snowball.
Snow is frozen water, true or false?
It’s packed tightly into a snowball.
When it hits you, it breaks apart. Have you ever had a snowball fight?
Yes. I hurt some kids.
Why were you playing with children?
I was a child as well. It was a winter retreat, junior year for the high school group. We had a snowball fight, and I was very athletic and accurate. Nobody told me, “You’re supposed to pack the snowballs so they explode on impact lightly.” I grew up in Phoenix. We’re up in Flagstaff. When I packed the snowballs, I packed in things super tight. When it hit somebody, it was a loud thud and not an explosion, water balloon 1,000%.
Would you rather be rebuilt as a part machine or part animal if you had a devastating accident?
I’d go with a machine too.
What if they put a pig leg on my right leg? What if they put a cow, so I have a hoof? What are you talking about, an animal?
Would you rather eat Fun Dip or Pixy Stix? I would rather have Fun Dip.
I would rather have Pixy Stix. With Fun Dip, there’s something about dip and suck. That’s not my thing. I’m glad it’s your thing. More power to you, but I’d rather pour the powder into my mouth. It’s the same thing but this whole dip and suck give me the heebie-jeebies.
Would you rather your sneeze sound like a siren or a foghorn?
What are you talking about, a sneeze or when you blow your nose?
I’ve never been like, “You see that motherfucker sneeze? He sounds like a foghorn.” This had never happened before. I would say a siren. Cops are coming because I’m sneezing. I don’t know. What about you?
I would rather have a sneeze sound like a siren. Would you rather dress as a pimp or gangster from the twenties?
What do you think?
I choose pimp. I like to be a pimp.
I choose gangster. Did you see the outfits that I wore to school, the sweatpants with one leg rolled up?
Everyone in school dressed like a gangster.You're ready for the next step. You've been looking for the opportunity to take the next step. Click To Tweet
Would you rather be under 5 feet tall or above 7 feet tall?
Seven, I’d be in the NBA.
I’d rather stick to 5 feet.
That’s a very male versus female question. What male’s going to be like, “I’d to be under 5 feet?”
Would you rather have Velcro hands or Velcro feet?
Velcro hands because with Velcro feet, you stick to everything. When you walk, that’d be annoying.
Nothing else is Velcro. Ideally, your hands would stick together or your feet would stick together. That’s what’s in my head. Your tile isn’t Velcro.
When you walk on carpet, you won’t be able to walk.
Only one of your feet won’t be able to walk.
Would you rather have Velcro hands or Velcro feet? The Velcro is one side sticky and the other side soft. I’m assuming the question is, “Would you rather have your hands or your feet stick to everything?” I would say my hands.
I would say my hands because my hands wouldn’t stick to anything. My hands aren’t on the carpet.
That takes away the whole self-love out of the equation.
Would you rather have an endless supply of batteries or toilet paper?
Toilet paper. Who uses batteries?
Toilet paper agreed. Would you rather have Scooby-Doo or Garfield as a pet?
I don’t give a shit. I love dogs, so Scooby-Doo.
Would you rather have a mullet or super long dreads?
Neither. That’s gross. All these people walking around with these mullets, I’m like, “What are you doing? You look dumb. Stop with the mullet stuff.” You didn’t answer the last two. Scooby-Doo or Garfield?
Mullet or dreads?
Dreads. Would you rather fight an octopus or squid underwater?
Squid. Octopuses are too big.
I’d to go toe to toe with an octopus on its eight legs.
Bet you would.
Would you rather be able to bend your body like a snake or squeeze through tight spaces like an octopus?
Octopus. I hate snakes.
I would do an octopus.
I’m not a big snake person. I don’t trust anything that doesn’t have any legs.
Would you rather have an infestation of mice or flying cockroaches in your home?
Cockroaches. Mice are dirty.You need to speak with intention and act with intention. Click To Tweet
Also are cockroaches.
Have you ever been like, “I had a cockroach infestation in my house and we all got sick from it?” No, but an infestation of mice, all the mice poop everywhere, that’s not good.
I would rather neither of them.
Did you get to pick one, mice or cockroaches? Don’t break the law of the game.
I’d rather have mice. That’s all. We’re out.