Situationships can put a damper on a person’s sex life. While maintaining a healthy sexual relationship can be difficult for couples in such circumstances, there are alternatives that can actually help. In this episode, Christina sits down with her friends Jamie and Brittney to talk about sex toys and orgasms. They share their experiences with getting these exciting toys and why men should not be shy of using these. Learn, laugh, and love with these ladies as they discuss relationships for thirty-somethings today.
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Talking Toys, Orgasms And Relationships With Jamie And Brittney
Brittney, I don’t know if you remember Jamie, but she played with us a few games for kickball. Brittney, Jamie. Jamie, Brittney. I should bring up my situationship.
I’m a pro at situationships. I had a lot of them.
My situationship is that they aren’t local.
I love my out-of-state boyfriends. I’m going, to be honest. They are great and super handy for me. Although, it makes things a little bit tricky. You become like a pro. I always like to use, “I should have been a phone sex operator. I’m getting good at this.”
You are going to have to teach me a thing or two. Let’s put it this way. I have had sex with one person over the course of the last several years, and that was my ex-husband. I have had sex with zero people since my divorce a few years ago.
It’s the spooky season. Things that should not have cobwebs have cobwebs.
I found that you get 1 or 2 situations when you have been with the only person for so long. You either get the girls that are like, “I’m busy. I’m going to be very picky. I’m going to be this.” You get the girls that go freaking buck wild and were like, “I needed to knock a few things out and get some burners out of there.” Let’s be honest, sex, in general, can either be fun or awkward but you have only been with one person, which was a very similar situation to mine. I’ve got married young. I was only with him young.
After my divorce, I was like, “This is going to be awkward.” I’m awkward as a human. I feel bad for the dudes that I boned the first time after my divorce because those were some awkward, weird fumbling. They handled it like a champ because I realized quickly that dudes are excited that they are invited that they are there.Let's be honest, sex, in general, can either be really fun or awkward. Click To Tweet
I did my whole phase before I’ve got married, and then I’ve got married. I have one of my friends who didn’t do the whole phase before she got married. She got married young, similar to you and Brittney as well. When she got a divorce, she went and did her whole face. She’s like, “You need to do your whole phase.” I’m like, “I already did that. I don’t need to do that again.”
There can always be a pre-whole phase. Marriage, post-whole phase.
It comes like a season of life. I have heard this analogy one time and it has stuck with me. Dicks are like hair ties, either you have too many of them or you can’t find one when you need it the most. That stuck with me through some dark moments when I have needed it the most.
I’m dying because I couldn’t find a hair tie so I have a rubber band.
Sometimes, I use what’s there and it’s not the best but it gets the job done.
In my case, I tried dating apps and I talk to people but they ghost me. Naturally, I go on vacation and I don’t know what happened, even Brittney can attest to this. All of a sudden, there are these guys that want my intention. I’m like, “You don’t even live here. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” Naturally, I have started sexting.
Let’s be honest. It can be very exhausting because nothing is worse than when you have put your kids to sleep. You are cleaning up the dishes and you get hit with the 10:30. What are you doing?
It’s like 9:00 almost on the dot. I’m expecting a message any moment, even though I talked to him and was like, “Tomorrow?” I’ve got home from baseball practice. My kids fed in bed. I had my call with you guys. I was like, “My energy is not there.”
I’m going to be tapped. The plus-size is with sexting, at least you can be like, “I’m sorry. I missed that text.” When they are in person, you are like, “Shit.”
You do have a point. I could be like, “Sorry. I fell asleep.”
Especially if he knows you have your kids like, “It was a bad day at practice. Super sorry.”
If they understand when you have kids, great but even then they are like, “We will go to the bathroom.” You are like, “No. If I go to the bathroom twelve times, my kids are going to get BS.”
He has a child. I would assume that we would be together on that aspect. I don’t know because I’m not necessarily like, “I have my kids.” If my kids are in bed, they are asleep and I know they are not going to walk into my room, then I’m going to do what I’ve got to do.Dicks are like hair ties. Either you have too many of them or you can't find one when you need it the most. Click To Tweet
Here’s my question. With sexting, is it over Snapchat, FaceTime or a mixture of all of it?
It’s through the Instagram Snapchat feature. We are texting and sending stuff in the mix there. This is the first time I have ever done anything like this because when I was dating and going through my whole face before, camera phones were shitty and you didn’t do stuff like this. When I’ve got married, my ex-husband was deployed. We would get on Skype and he would watch me change my clothes. That was sexting. It’s like, “Let me see you change into your work clothes.” That’s what it was.
I wish it was that easy to turn people on. They were like, “Let me see you wiggle into your leggings.”
Never the leggings. Never ever look at me while putting those on.
I’m like busting a can of biscuits when I’m putting jeans on.
You’ve got to jump.
iPhones and all of that changed the game with the whole dating. How it changed that was it opened it up to like, “I can have three dudes I’m talking to in different states because it’s like I’m there without having to be there.” It’s out of pressure. Send me a picture and you can’t get away with the pixelated Nokia picture of your boobs and a bra. It’s like, “I’ve got to be filtered and toned.” It’s exhausting.
I had to get a tripod. A man has one part that they snap a picture of and send it or you see it in a mirror. “You send me a picture of your entire body.” That’s all they have to do.
They want to see your boobs, down there and butt all the time.
I have a large ass. I cannot take a picture of my butt with my hand.
It’s like one cheek, and then we are back over. The thing is that as I went through my early on the whole-phase, the dudes would be like, “More, more.” I was like, “I don’t know what more I can do. I have two hands. I only have so many outfits.” It was like rubbing your elbow but, “You liked that?” I don’t know.
It’s to the point where I’m like, “I could save all of this and send it again in two weeks.” He wouldn’t even know.
I have not done that. I act like I don’t have a secret folder for what I was going through. They are like, “Send me something now.” You would be like, “I’m elbow deep cleaning my tub. Here you go. This is totally me.”
You haven’t showered in a couple of days. You are wearing a super old hoodie.Men don't really care what you're doing. They're just excited that their pants are off and you're there with them. Click To Tweet
That’s the truth. This isn’t a knock on man because the Lord knows I love a good man, but they are dumb because they will believe anything. I have been eating while a dude is dirty talking to me and he’s like, “What are you doing now?” I’m like, “I’m in my bed in my lingerie thinking about you.” They want it constantly. I have to juggle all of this. “I don’t necessarily want you to lose interest in me but I’m also not in the mood to dirty talk to you at 9:00 at night when all I want to do is take a bath to be left alone.”
It creates this whole thing but you also have fun with it. Honestly, what I have learned with being single for years and going through it all is if you don’t learn to laugh at it, you are going to walk off a bridge. You have to find humor in all of it. If you can’t find the humor in it, you are going to be like, “This is the worst experience of my life.” You have to talk about being like, “That was a flop. Let’s not do that again.”
My issue is that I divulge too much information. I have never had an orgasm during sex.
Not even like accidentally?
I’ve got phone numbers I could give you. I’ve got you.
My situationship, I can’t complain. We were getting into it. He was like, “Grab whatever you have.” I was like, “What do you want me to use?” He’s like, “Dildo or toy.” I was like, “Toy it is because I don’t own a dildo.” He goes, “You don’t own a dildo?” I’m like, “No, I don’t own a dildo.” He’s like, “Why don’t you own a dildo?” It was this big, huge question. I was like, “Personally, I have not had an orgasm via the inside with a dick. I don’t feel that I could use a dildo on myself because I could use a vibrator on the outside. Why would I do the dildo?” I understand a man could probably do it but I have never experienced it. My thought was, “Why would I try to use a dildo?”
I don’t think that the actual internal or orgasm, the G-spot hitting orgasm, is as common that happens during sex as people play it out to be. I don’t think people understand that women are even capable of different types of orgasms. The hot button is on the outside. It’s easy. Although they say it’s easy, it’s literally a 2×2 area.
Clit orgasm is so much easier to arouse and get going. They don’t even think people are aware that there’s a whole other orgasm that is up inside. Every dude assimilates the clit orgasm with that. It’s not the same. If we are talking about climaxing that way in sex, that doesn’t happen majority for a lot of women. I don’t even think they realize that it hasn’t happened. I didn’t realize it hadn’t happened until I had my first one with someone. I went, “That was different.” It’s like, “I’ve got it. We are onto something.” It was the first time that you’ve got off with your vibrator and you are like, “What?”
You don’t understand what is until it happened.You can just have sex and get off. That's cool. But there is something intimate about finding your sexual equal. Click To Tweet
When it comes down to toys too, it’s becoming more mainstream. It’s more on Amazon and Walmart. Going into a sex shop is one of the most overwhelming and scariest thing to do when you are coming up with a relationship. You are like, “They are putting what where? That’s normal?” I’m going to come out. Not everybody is doing that and shoving things up there.
Everybody wants to be like, “This is what everybody is doing.” You are like, “I don’t know if I’m prepared for this.” I need an introductory sex shop for people. That’s what I want to open and be like, “Here are some basics. You are going to know if you like to do this during sex. If you have never thought about it, don’t even go down that road.” It can be so overwhelming walking to these places. I would like a vibrator and they are like, “Here are 90 different options.”
They don’t help you out at all but they hover because they are scared that you are going to steal something. “I’m sorry. I’m in the aisle where there’s lube and other things. I’m not going to steal it. I enjoy it, so I’m going to pay my money for it.”
Stop shoplifting this place, I don’t want my mugshot to be like, “Here’s Jamie. She stole lube and edible panties.”
You wouldn’t think that Fairbank’s is like a big place for stealing. It is in a weird spot in town. It’s at the end of a street by Costco and Sportsmen’s. It’s weird. It doesn’t look like a sex shop on the outside but when you walk in, it’s the biggest sex shop ever. There are sections. You’ve got your bachelorette party stuff and divorce party stuff. We are in the butt plugs. There’s teaser stuff and things that you put your significant other in. I’m going to circle back around to the lingerie because that’s about all I feel comfortable in.
I’m going to need to go visit this store.
I have an account so let’s go.
I’m not going to play like, “I never go there.” Of course, I go there. I can clearly remember walking into it as a single woman for the first time and being like, “All my hair ties were missing. I’ve got to help myself out here.” I’m going in and remember being like, “I don’t know what I’m into or what I like. I have only ever had the $9.99 vibrator that looked like a leopard bullet. They were like, “You like vibration. Here’s this whole wall.” It’s right next to the paddles and the anal beads. I don’t know if I’m into that. You take all of that.
You thought all into dating as well. When we were dating in high school, everybody was on the same playing field. There might have been the one girl that gave a handy and you have it but that was about it. Walking into the dating world as an adult, it’s like, “Are you not into this?” You are like, “I don’t know if I’m into that.” They want to jump right into it. You are like, “Can we talk about what our favorite food is first before we talk about our favorite sexual position?”
I went into the sex store. I went Sunday on the Lord’s Day. I ended up going back to grab one additional thing. I grabbed one of the suction vibrators, those new ones, and a couple’s toy, which is something that someone else can control from thousands of miles away. That was not a hit. It’s been sitting on my nightstand untouched. After my discussion with him about the dildo situation, because it was this big, huge extravagant issue that I hadn’t finished during sex, I went and grabbed a fucking dildo. I was like, “What’s the harm in going and getting one and trying it?” I’ve got one that suction cups to my shower wall. It doesn’t vibrate or do anything special, nothing like that. It is 7 inches long and 2.5 inches thick.Everybody's buttons are different. Everybody's going to have different arousals at different things. Click To Tweet
I feel a good average size. The thing I like about that is it’s a realistic average dick size. It’s not like it’s the great American challenge where you are going to be disappointed because if you only get off on this 10-inch dildo that you are going to be like, “Good luck, average Joe.” It’s realistic.
However, it’s not anywhere near what I have seen.
We have one here. Clone-A-Willy sends it to you.
I thought about that saying, “You want me to use a dildo. Go clone it and send it on over. There you have it. I’m using your wiener and not this fake bullshit over here.”
Did you get the flash-colored one or a different color?
It’s the flash colored, got veins and balls.
Not every dick is super veiny.
I have seen a lot of dicks in my lifetime. However, I will admit that 90% of them, I don’t remember. Is it all women that have to lie about finishing during sex? Why can’t we tell the truth? The next woman who comes along for that man like my situation, is going to be, “What the fuck? You have never did it.” I’m going to be like, “You do realize that’s not normal. You had a unicorn or your dick is a unicorn.”
I have done the leg work. I have experienced it. I have found my orgasm and where I get it. This is going to be a weird statement. I have two daughters. In my generation, sex, female orgasm and things like that is becoming more of a conversation. It’s not you are hurting the men’s ego by not coming. It’s like, “You need to know what you are doing. Let me help you.” By the time that my daughters are sexually active, hopefully in 90 years when I have passed, we are going to be passed that.
I’m cool with being like, “That didn’t do it for me, let’s try it a different way.” It’s not a shot of ego to the man to be like, “I didn’t get off that way. It’s not against you. It’s not an up and down motion.” Think about it. I need a lot of sensory and things that go into it too. It’s not put a finger in there and all off. There are a lot that goes into it. What I have come to the understanding and being more in a consistent and committed relationship is learning to try to enjoy at the moment, but that also comes with a lot of security in the relationship.
The more comfortable I have gotten with the guy I’m dating, the more frequent me finishing because I am confident. I don’t worry about my stomach rolls and my weird double chin as I’m making the strangest face that’s ever happened. It’s not that I can’t tune everything else out, but it becomes easier because I trust him. He trusts me and he can start to sense when I’m fading. We were then switching or moving.The beautiful thing about sex is you figure out what you like, but you have to be comfortable with yourself. Click To Tweet
I haven’t had sex in a long time. It has been years that I have had sex. When I did have sex, I could always get close but I could never bring myself over the wall to finish. I’m there and I can feel it but it’s not finishing.
I want it so bad but we are right there. My internal orgasms where I’m getting my G-spot hit, that doesn’t happen every time. Most of my orgasms during sex are going to be more clitoral stimulation. More consistently, it’s a lot of focus. It’s more like the heated moments. That didn’t happen until I was 28, 29 when I was single for two and a half years.
It was the unicorn effect where I was like, “Hold the phone. You knew what you were doing. How did you know that, you wizard bitch? How did you do that?” He was doing and he did it. I was like, “I’m sorry, what?” I would have never known how to do it myself. I don’t know if I could do it with a dildo and replicate that same thing. I don’t know if I could because it’s all of it. It’s not just the toy attached to the man. It’s all of it.
You want to be touched everywhere.
It’s not just the motion in the ocean. It’s everything else wrapped into it.
It’s from start to finish. It’s 100% on how firm and in with your partner that you have. If you guys are hitting it on the same beat every single time, you are going to go completely off. That is 100% why you and your ex-husband did not because even times you would bring it up in the chat, you are like, “This is what it is.” I’m like, “I have never felt that.” I have never looked at my husband like, “I guess.”
I have been in her shoes. I’m not trying to poop you on my ex. We loved each other but it wasn’t there. I went through four years where it was like, “It was good but it was fun.” Now, it’s the whole package. It’s the communication on the outside. It’s him taking care of my needs. It is an entire intimate package. I hit it more frequently because it’s start to finish. It’s the kissing beginning. It’s him touching me, knowing that he wants to me. There is a lot of passion that goes into it. That’s like the cherry on top of it where you are like, “Cool. I’m done.” It’s the whole like Siegfried & Roy extravaganza.
I have not experienced good sex.
You have had good sex. You just haven’t had mind-blowing sex. You haven’t found your sexual equal yet because I have had great sex. I would be like, “That was a great time. It was great.” I found my sexual equal. It’s not about like, “We are both experienced. I know what to do. You and I read the Kama Sutra as we all know.” It’s not that. It was meeting somebody that matched my energy and knew what I needed. That’s what it is.The actual internal orgasm, the G-spot hitting orgasm, isn't as common during sex as people play it out to be. Click To Tweet
It’s having someone that understands what I need throughout the system, the whole sexual beginning, middle and end. It’s what has created this sexual equal part. I have had great sex with randoms and dudes I have met on Tinder, but I have been around. I have had great sex but finding someone that was my sexual equal, that understood all the ins and outs to get me there, changed into a mind-blowing thing. I don’t need it all the time but that intimate connection is what takes it above. Trust me, you can have sex and you are like, “I will get off. That’s cool.” There is something intimate about finding your sexual equal. It doesn’t hurt that my boyfriend was a hoe as well.
I’m hoping the buildup helps a little bit.
It won’t hurt. We are not having sex with 22-year-old men and high school men. We are having sex with men in their 30s that are experienced. At least, we hope they are experienced. Some of them think they are experienced and you are like, “You are missing the mark but I love the effort. It was good. I love the enthusiasm.” You might agree as well but foreplay plays a big part in getting to that. It’s not going to just be penetration and we are there. I need a buildup. You will get there. Once that happens, it will be okay.