Parenting is tough enough, but with all the judgemental moms everywhere, it’s even tougher than we thought it would be. We don’t realize that each of us has a different parenting style that fits our child’s needs. It is absolutely no fun to deal with. In this episode, Christina talks about the six types of judgemental moms. We all judge, but some of them judge out loud, and it gets frustrating. We have to stop competing but instead start to support each other because being a mom is the hardest job in the world. If our children are happy and alive, that’s what matters. Gain perspective and remember that we have our own decisions, which doesn’t make us bad parents.
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Judgemental Moms And Parenting Styles
We’re going to chat about judgmental moms. I can imagine all the eye rolls on this topic because we all run into a judgmental mom at some point in our parenting years. We’ve all had that experience. Let me tell you, it is no fun to deal with a judgmental mom. I know we all judge in our own ways. We judge ourselves quietly or make those little comments to ourselves in our heads. That’s fine if you’re going to judge yourself. I get it. We all do it. It’s not that big of a deal.
What you need to remember is that all of us parents, it’s not just moms although we do come across that more often because dads or men have a different mentality on parenting and how other people are parenting. We noticed that women are more vocal and judgmental. That’s how it is. When I say judgmental moms, it’s mainly judgmental parents but you see it more specifically in the women than you do in the men. There are several different types of judgmental moms.
This came across because I was visiting a friend who just had her baby. He is only four weeks old. I get some baby snuggles and support her in any way that she needs. Sometimes support means showing up when you’ve had a baby and hanging out. I’m giving her some adult time. That’s exactly what I did. I went over there. I hung out. We chatted. She’s a friend from high school. We’ve been close over the years.
It was in eighth grade that I met her. She was my best friend in eighth grade and throughout high school. Even now I consider her one of my best friends. We just don’t talk very often. As you get older, your longer relationships’, communication is few and far between. We love each other from afar but when one of us needs something, we’re always there in a pinch no matter what.
She just had her baby. She was there and visited all three of my kids. In return, I went and hung out with her for an hour or two. I found that she was talking to me about things that she was doing for her child as a parent. She was immediately giving me a reason why she was doing it. I had to tell her, “Stop doing that. You don’t have to tell me why you made that decision, why you’re breastfeeding, why you’re giving your child formula at night or why you put him in his crib swaddled up the way that you did. I am not a person that’s going to sit here and judge you for the way you did something. That’s not me. You chose to parent that way. That is your choice.”
Not all of us are going to parent the same. Our parenting styles may differ per child that you have. I have three children in my house. The way I parent my eight-year-old does not work for my three-year-old. The way I parent my five-year-old doesn’t work for my three-year-old. My parenting style in my house is different per child. I don’t parent the same per child. Each child needs a specific parenting style and it’s not the same for each child.
I can tell you that many of my friends who have multiple children in their house can tell you that they don’t parent each child the same. Each child is different. Each child needs a different type of attention and explanation. You don’t have to sit here and worry about parenting a specific way because I learned that the hard way. I learned that my parenting styles weren’t going to work for each child. What I did for my oldest didn’t work for my middle, didn’t work for my youngest and so on.
Growth And Development Judging Mom
I looked at her and said, “Stop validating why you’re parenting that way. I don’t need to know why you chose that. That’s your decision.” This brings me into the different types of judgmental moms. I got this list off of Romper.com. You can take a visit to that site and see if you can find this article. We have the anti-vax mom, the house mom, the car seat mom, the cell phone mom, the behavior mom, the growth and development mom and the food judging mom.
Anti-Vaccine Judging Mom
We all know what some of these are. The anti-vax mom, she’s going to judge you because you’re either vaccinating your child or you’re not vaccinating your child, whether you choose to vaccinate your child or not, that’s your decision. I chose to vaccinate my children. I didn’t do any research on vaccinations. I vaccinated my child because that’s what society tells us what we need to do. You vaccinate your children so I did it.
There are some moms who go in and full force. Do all of their research and choose not to vaccinate their children. You choose not to vaccinate your children, that is your decision. It’s not my decision what you do with your children. It’s yours. My decision was to vaccinate my children. For instance, circumcising your little boys. I did not leave this decision to circumcise my children to me. That was not my decision to make. I left that up to my ex-husband. The father of my children, I let him decide. I don’t know whether or not I should circumcise my little boys because I didn’t grow up with a penis. My ex-husband did grow up with a penis. I looked at him and said, “What do you want to do? Are we getting our boys circumcised? Are we leaving them uncircumcised and letting them decide when they’re an adult if they want to get circumcised?”Each child needs a specific parenting style. Each child needs a different type of attention and explanation. Click To Tweet
Society tells you that you should circumcise your children. However, that was not my decision to make because I am not a boy. I don’t have a penis. My husband decided to make the decision as a man who has a penis to circumcise his children. That’s exactly what we did for all three of them. You can come at me and hate at me all you want but that was our decision to make. It’s not anyone else’s decision to make it. You can toss all of your facts and research at me. It doesn’t change the fact that we made that decision to circumcise our children. I let my ex-husband tell me why we should circumcise our children.
There are those ear piercings, those parents who allow their children to make that decision when they get old enough to get their ears pierced or those parents who take their babies and get their ears pierced when they’re babies. They don’t have that decision to make. If they want to take their babies to get their ear pierced, that’s their decision. If they want their child to make that decision when they’re 5, 6, 7, 8 or however old they are, that again, is their decision. It’s not yours. It’s not your child. If it’s your child, you make that decision.
Judgmental moms are a pain to deal with. I know we all judge but some of them judge out loud and it gets frustrating. I was visiting my friend and I felt bad because she was sitting there, validating her parenting style to me. I was like, “Stop. I don’t need to hear that.” I told her why I didn’t need to hear it. It’s her choice. She shouldn’t need to feel like she should have to validate her parenting style to people. I would hate for somebody to come over to my house, I talk about why I’m doing something and giving them a reason why I’m parenting the way that I’m parenting. Stop that. You shouldn’t have to do that.
Those judgmental moms who voice their opinions, you know who you are. You could be reading this going, “That’s me.” Stop it. We are all parents. We all need support. We’re all trying to raise human beings. At the end of the day, if they’re alive, they’re alive. That’s all that fucking matters. What I did was I kept my three children alive. They’re not in my house. They’re with their dad now so it’s their dad’s responsibility to keep my human children alive. At the end of the day, if your children are happy, fed and alive then that’s all that matters. Stop judging out loud.
House Judging Mom
Let me go through this list. A house judging mom is the one that comes over, sees your messy house and is like, “Holy cow, your living room is a disaster. You have a sink full of dishes in your house.” We are all that person where when someone comes over to your house, we’re like, “Don’t judge the mess.” I do it. I am known to do that.
My middle child has a friend from preschool. They are like identical humans of each other. She’s adorable. They are a female and a male version of each other. I invited them over to go swimming one day. Her parents walked into my living room and I was like, “Don’t judge. I have not swept, vacuumed or mopped in probably a week.” There were food crumbs all over. I was too busy that week to even worry about it. Her dad looked at me and went right to my face, “Stop. We have children. I don’t care what your living room looks like.”
My best friend comes over. I don’t feel the need to say that to her because she knows. I know she doesn’t care what my house looks like or if there were crumbs all over my floor. In fact, if she did care, she’d pick up a broom and start sweeping. When someone comes over to your house and they’re like, “Your house is a mess,” point them to the kitchen and say, “There are some dishes in the sink. Have fun. Take care of it.” I’m just kidding. Don’t do that but you could if you really want to.
Car Seat Judging Mom
We all know a car seat judging mom. That’s the mom that’s like, “You must rear-face until extended rear-facing.” It’s mainly extended rear-facing or maybe the chest clip isn’t high enough or low enough. However, that’s the safety of children. I will point that out. If they’re not buckled properly, I will find a way to nicely support that mother on car seat safety.
However, I’m not a mom who’s going to judge you if you’re not going to rear-face for an extended period of time. All of my children forward-faced as soon as they turned one. There’s a reason why I did that. It’s not because I was tired of them rear-facing. It was because they were screaming bloody murder. As soon as I turn them around, car rides were so much nicer.
Society tells you that you should be rear-facing until the age of two. Not all of us follow that and not all of us need to judge everyone who doesn’t follow that. “I turned my kids around so what? You let your kid rear-face until they’re five. Good for you. It’s great. I’m glad that your child willingly sat that way staring at the back of a seat for an extended period of time.” Not all kids will enjoy that. I did make sure that my kids rear-face until the age of one or a little bit after one and then I turned them around but here I am validating why I didn’t rear-face for an extended period of time.
We all validate every now and then, although it’s no one’s business but my own why I chose to turn them around. The chest clip not being in the proper place. I get it. I will occasionally be like, “Chest clip is a little low.” I do it in a way that makes the mom or parent feel like I’m supporting them. I don’t do it in a way where I’m judging them or making them feel like they’re a bad parent because the chest clip was too high or too low.
I’ve made a post on Facebook of my kids in a five-point harness and the chest clip is too high because my kid moved it up after I buckled them, I wasn’t paying attention or it was too low but I wasn’t even going anywhere. I validate that. I’ve made a comment in that post that said, “Don’t judge his chest clip. I haven’t fixed it yet.” I’m guilty of it. We’re all guilty of validating why something was a specific way and why we didn’t fix it to avoid somebody commenting and saying the chest clip is in the wrong place. We shouldn’t have to do that. We shouldn’t have to worry about who’s going to comment on our post and say the chest clip is in the wrong place. “Karen, I’m aware of it. I can physically see it.”
Cellphone Judging Mom
The cell phone judging mom. The mama was always on her phone like if you’re at a park. Someone’s going to judge you for sitting there while you’re on your phone at a park while your kids are only occupied with other children. They’re taking care of themselves. If I glance down at my phone to watch a TikTok, scroll through my Facebook or send a text message to somebody and my eyes aren’t on my children, that’s my doing. You don’t need to judge me for looking at my phone.
For instance, I work from home and I have a flex schedule. I may choose to take my kids to the park during my normal work hours, which are 9:00 to 5:00. However, my schedule is flex so I choose to take my kids to the park and let them play. I may have to glance down at my phone to answer work messages or to do something like that. That’s like somebody judging you while you’re at dinner, you’re on your phone and someone else is looking at you like, “They’re both on their phones.” I could be on my phone answering a work email that’s urgent or answering someone from work who works a different schedule than me and need me to answer something.
For instance, my production team works a completely opposite schedule than me so I may need to answer them at 8:00 or 6:00 at night while I’m at dinner with my dad or my mom because I don’t go on dates. There’s going to be that time where I’m going to have to glance down at my phone. Even if it’s me taking my kids to the park during normal work hours and I have to answer a work email from somebody, it’s going to happen.
Don’t judge them. You don’t know their situation. You don’t know if they’re sitting there scrolling through Tinder, scrolling through Facebook or whatever. They could be working while their kids are playing at the park but that doesn’t mean they’re not paying attention to their kids. I can tell you most certainly that if I glance down to look at my phone, I make sure I know where my kids are before I looked down to answer anything or to look at anything.
My friends will also know that when I am somewhere with a lot of people, I am constantly looking for my kids. I’m always like, “Where is this person? Where is he?” I have three kids and there’s one of me. I’m outnumbered. I am always making sure I know where my kids are. Don’t judge a mom just because they’re at the park staring down at their phone. She could most likely know exactly where her kids are when she looks up on her phone.
9 times out of 10 she will know exactly where they’re at because I do. When I looked down at my phone, before I do it, I will look to see where each one of my children is located before I looked down and when I look up, I will check those same exact spots. If they’re not there, I know that they’re not too far from that spot. They couldn’t have gone too far.
Behavior Judging Mom
The behavior judging mom, there are always these in the grocery store. When your child is screaming bloody murder because you won’t let them pick out a bag of chips and that mom is like, “I’ve had this happen to me. Give him what he wants.” “Karen, I’m not going to give him what he wants. That’s not my parenting style. Keep your mouth shut. If you don’t like him screaming, go to a different aisle. In fact, go to the other side of the grocery store for crying out loud.”
I don’t take my kids to the grocery store anymore. That only happened to me a couple of times. I have had major anxiety ever since with taking my kids to the grocery store. Now that they’re older, I don’t have that issue anymore. We have compromises when we go to the store because they’re old enough to understand that.
The growth and development judging moms are always fun. “My child is walking already and he’s six months old.” My child didn’t walk until he was eighteen months old. In fact, all three of my kids didn’t walk until they were eighteen months old, so what. Who cares? Every child is different. My children may have walked later than your children.
Let’s talk about talking. My oldest didn’t talk until he was four. He was four until he started having full sentences. My middle child started talking when he was one. He had full sentences close to the age of two. My youngest does the jibber-jabbering and he’s three. Every child is different. You can’t judge the development of some children. If your child is six and he doesn’t talk then maybe find a way to support that parent that doesn’t come across as you judging them for their parenting choices and not getting them help or not realizing it. The whole point is to find a way to support them in a way that doesn’t make them feel like you’re judging them. Some things don’t need to be said out loud but there are some things where if you feel that you need to say something, say it in a way that makes them feel like you’re supporting them.
Food judging moms. “My kids eat fruit for every snack. My kids eat healthy for every meal.” “My kids don’t.” I have restrictions in my house. The sugar needs to be dialed down a little bit. They only get specific things on specific days but we all do it differently. Some kids eat candy all fucking day long. Who cares? Let them eat candy. They’re children. I sound like my best friend. She tells me that a lot. Not that specifically but she has older kids. There are times where I go to her and I’m like, “I don’t know what to do.” She has no shame in putting me in my place about some things. I’m like, “You’re right.” I then changed the way I do some things and that’s totally fine.
I will take the support in any way I get it but don’t come to me and be like, “My child did this and your child is not doing that. You shouldn’t be feeding him that at that age.” The food judging mom is, “You shouldn’t be giving your rice in their formula.” “How do you know his pediatrician didn’t tell me to do that? I’m not doing it for fun. I’m doing it because my child has acid reflux up the butt and won’t stop puking up every single thing he eats. The pediatrician said to try rice in his formula.”
There are reasons that we do the things we do and not all of them need to be shared with people. I don’t need to validate why I give my child rice in his formula, why my three-year-old is still in a pull-up because he won’t poop in the toilet or maybe one week my children had chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese every single night they were with me because I’m a single parent. I work all day long. We do homework. I have to clean, do this and do that.
I don’t have to validate that to you why my kids had the same meal every single day or why I’m sitting on my phone while my kids are playing at the park. I don’t have to look at you and be like, “I’m working. What’s it to you? Why does it matter? What I’m doing shouldn’t matter to you. Mind your own damn business.” I feel that.
Judgmental moms are no fun. If you are one of them then this is directed to you. You should learn to keep your mouth shut or learn to support another parent in a way that doesn’t make them feel like you’re judging them. Nobody fucking cares, Karen. Parenting can be hard. If you’re judging other moms out loud and they know that you’re judging them or you’re staring at them, you’re hurting our confidence. You’re making us feel like we’re not doing the best we can as moms. Honestly, the best you can do as a mom is make sure your kids are fed, happy and at the end of the day, they’re alive.Don’t judge other moms because you don't know their situation. Click To Tweet
Being a parent is hard. You have to care for another human being that’s not yourself. You have to make sure that that child is alive and happy at the end of the day. All we need is our happy children. Everything else will come. Your toddler is going to have a fucking demon attitude. Raise your hand if you have a three-year-old who’s a fucking demon. I’m raising my hand. It is what it is. He’s going to have an attitude. You discipline the way you need to discipline. That’s all that matters. If it works for you, it’s great. If it doesn’t work for you, ask for suggestions and support. We all need support. That’s all we need.
My friend even asked me when I was visiting her and her baby about sleep training. I am not silent about sleep training. All of my kids were in their own crib between 4 to 6 weeks. All of my kids were sleeping through the night by eight weeks, except for my youngest. He took a little bit longer but we were down to one feed at night and that was it. I explained to her how I did it and what worked for me. What worked for me may not work for her. She’s breastfeeding. I repeated myself several times. I did not breastfeed my children. Go ahead. Judge me all you want.
I didn’t fucking breastfeed and she’s breastfeeding. The way I slept train most likely won’t work for her because she’s breastfeeding. That’s fine. She can hear how I did it, understand the complexity of sleep training and try it if she chooses to try it. Breastfeeding babies are completely different than formula-fed babies. Formula-fed babies are on a schedule. They eat every three hours like clockwork.
Breastfeeding babies may not be on a schedule eating every three hours like clockwork. Some of them may be on the boob a lot because you don’t know how much they’re getting from you when you’re feeding them, whereas if you’re feeding them from a bottle, they’re getting the same amount every single time. You can’t compare the two.
She asked for my opinion and I gave it to her. I didn’t judge her on it but I also didn’t judge her because I slept train my kids. There are going to be parents who are reading this going, “You can’t sleep train a six-week-old. You can’t do that.” “You can, Becky. You can fucking sleep train a baby at six weeks old.” I did it for all three of my children. I have no shame. My kids sleep through the night for 12 to 14 hours a night. They have since they were eight weeks old. I enjoy my sleep.
I didn’t co-sleep. It wasn’t for me. You can judge me all you want. I don’t care. I’m one of those parents who is like, “Judge me all you want. I don’t fucking care what you think.” You can come to my house and I may say, “I’m sorry. Excuse the mess.” That’s me being polite and warning you that my house is a mess sometimes. I’m in a place where I make sure that my kitchen is clean every day. My robot vacuum vacuums every other day of the week. I have my own way of doing things.
This is going to bring me into another episode on a judgmental stepmom because I have one of those. Not my stepmom, my children’s stepmom. That will be fun because I got an earful. In the end, there’s no perfect formula for raising children. There’s no perfect way to ensure that our children don’t grow up to be fucking assholes. I’m sure there are if you do it a certain way as far as discipline. The way I discipline my children is not going to be the way you discipline your children. It may not work for you.
I do things differently. Some people don’t like that and that’s okay like how my kids’ stepmom doesn’t like how I discipline them or how I cut off the emotions in my children. I don’t want to say I cut off the emotions in my children. I let them express themselves but we do it a certain way at my house. They cuddle them and baby them. I don’t do that because in my opinion, they are my children and when they’re adults, there’s not going to be someone there cuddling them and babying them when they have an emotional situation they have to go through. They have to man up and do it.
If you know me, you know that I’m not an emotional person. I have it is what it is attitude approach to life. That’s all that there is to it. You can judge me all you want on that. I don’t give a fuck. That was the discussion on judgmental moms. If you are one, just stop being one. We all need support. We’re all trying to raise human beings and keep them alive at the end of the day. That’s all that matters. Have a great day.