Skip to content

Tim: How To Speak Your Love Language

YGYG Tim Love | Love Language

 

Do you know what your love languages are? In today’s episode, Christina is once again joined by Tim to talk about love languages and how the concept applies to real-life relationships. There are five types: quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch, acts of service, and words of affirmation. They share their top love languages and dig deep to understand why they are what they are. Tim also opens up about using the concept to better understand his wife and elevate his marriage life. Listen in on their discussion and see why it’s important for you to know about your love language with or without a relationship.

Listen to the podcast here

Tim: How To Speak Your Love Language

You are going to have to excuse my tired face and less than enthused voice because it has been a rough few days.

That’s okay. You are a human being. You are allowed to have rough days. You are allowed to have awesome days. Bad days, if you have a good drink, that’s not water.

I had sick kids and we spent the day in the ER with Wyatt and he goes back to the doctor. I’m tired. They are with their dad though. Get a little time to myself. I get a break. I miss having them here but I will try to enjoy my quiet time and not having to force kids to bed when they don’t want to go to bed.

That doesn’t stop by the way. My kids are turning 15 and 14. They are still, “Go to bed.” “Can I stay?” “Nope. Go to bed.”

We’ve got a pretty good routine. They get TV time from 7:00 to 8:00 and then as soon as 8:00 rolls around their iPads, automatically turn off because that’s how I have the parental control set and then their TV. I walk in, turn their TV off. They are okay. My toddler, though, when 7:00 rolls around, it’s his bedtime and he’s a little hard to get to bed but that’s because he wants to go to bed at the same time as his brothers but he’s only three. That’s not happening. We are not staying up until 8:00.

The homework that I signed for you is to take the 5 Love Language Quiz because we are going to figure out your love life. I’m kidding.

My non-existent love life.

For those of you reading that has no idea what it is, if you go to Google and type in 5 Love Languages, it pulls right up. You can take the quiz. It’s a book by Dr. Gary Chapman. It came out a long time ago. You take the quiz. It’s a bunch of questions about your love language. There are five different types. You have Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation.

We can break those down into what they are. When I took the quiz and this has been pretty consistent with how many times I have taken this quiz, Words of Affirmation is my number one. Physical Touch is my number two. There are percentages, too. Words of Affirmation 40%, Physical Touch 30%, Acts of Service 17%, Quality Time 10%, Receiving Gifts 3%.

Your Quality Time is 10%?

 

YGYG Tim Love | Love Language

Love Language: This isn’t just talking about husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. It’s also about your relationship with your children, with a coworker, with strangers.

 

 

Yes. Words of Affirmation have been number one, 40% and it’s also your number one.

It is. I’m at 27% for Words of Affirmation.

Take the quiz, take a look at your love language, see where you’re at and see how you like to be loved. Click To Tweet

We could sit here and go over with Google the definition but I’m going to tell you that Words of Affirmation is where you have somebody that affirms their love for you and the appreciation of how much love that you give them. That would be my summary.

That also goes into my work life as well though. It’s not just a relationship-type of thing. I like to hear that from my supervisor.

This isn’t just talking about husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. It’s talking about your relationship with your children, coworker and strangers. This quiz is designed as how do you like to receive love? How do you, Christina or Tim receive love? What makes the most sense to you?

I can’t necessarily agree that all of this would apply to my children but I would rather have quality time with my children. Quality Time is 13% on mine. As far as my significant other, quality time isn’t important to me.

I would say that this would come for children just maybe not your children due to their age but I have had my children take this quiz to learn about them on their idea of how they want to be loved. We will go back to mine. Words of Affirmation 40%, Physical Touch 30%, Acts 17%, Quality Time 10%, Receiving Gifts 3%. That means that for Words of Affirmation, I like when I’m told how much my wife loves me, how good of a husband, a father, a hard worker and a team player I am if I’m taking out my buddies and we are playing video games like, “You bring so much to the team.” That makes my heart smile.

This isn’t necessarily about putting a smile on your face but it’s the reaction of your heart. It makes my heart smile when somebody tells me how pretty I am. I joke with my wife like, “You know I’m words of affirmation. You’ve got to tell me I’m pretty. If you don’t tell me I’m pretty every single day, then I don’t feel like I’m being loved.” We say it as a joke but it’s quite honestly true. That’s part of the Words of Affirmation.

The second being Physical Touch. It’s obvious with physical touches but it’s not necessarily things in the bedroom. This is a personal example. I’m driving my truck down the road and if she reaches over and grabs my hand to hold my hand, that sends my heart to the stars because you thought about me and you know that I like to hold your hand so you reached over in and held my hand. It could be something as simple as a touch of a hand or a hug. When she gets home from work, she will come here to my office and say, “I’m home for work.” She gives me a big hug and a big kiss. I know her physical touch is at the bottom but everybody needs physical touch.

I don’t necessarily need physical touch. My physical touch is at the bottom as well but if you are talking about it in the bedroom, everyone needs physical touch at some point.

In my words, Acts of Service would be doing something that you know that I have to do, which you do it so I don’t have to have the stress of doing it. An example of this would be, my wife goes to work. I work from home. I know that if I sit my butt in my computer chair and I play my computer games, eventually my wife is going to come into my office door and say, “Dinner is ready.” When she gets home from work, she will go grab something and make dinner. I know that she has been at work all day and I have been sitting on my butt answering emails and playing video games.

I’m going to go to the store, grab stuff and cook dinner because I know that she would do it unless I did it. It could be with chores and for us, it’s folding laundry. We both hate laundry. We don’t mind washing it or drying it but as far as folding it, putting away, we both hate doing it. I have never met a person that’s like, “My favorite chore in the entire world is to fold laundry. That’s my jam.”

I have no problem washing laundry and drying laundry but when it comes to putting it away, it’s the most tedious task I have ever dealt with in my life. With my kids, I do their laundry separately. They each have their own bag. I wash their laundry, hand them their bag and say, “Here you go, put it away.” I’m not about that life. My laundry sits in a laundry basket.

Next is Quality Time and Receiving Gifts. Quality time would be spending time together. Being in the same brew, same vicinity and same area. That was pretty self-explanatory. You then have received gifts and mine was at a whole 3%. Do I like receiving gifts? I think everybody likes getting gifts but am I freaking out like, “This person 100% loves me because they bought me a gift?” I’m not.

If we go to yours and I will explain how this all ties into everything but you have Words of Affirmation at 27%, Acts of Service at 23%, Receiving Gifts at 23%, Physical Touch at 13% and Quality Time at 13%. I would tell you if I was some professional counselor and I knew what I was talking about, which I don’t but in my experience is that I would consider you all five because you like a little bit of everything.

Mine, it’s 40%. Words of Affirmation 30%, Physical Touch it’s 70% but then you see Quality Time and Receiving Gifts at 10%, 3%. It doesn’t do it for me. It is curious that if you look up the statistics on this, the majority of women are pretty even on all five. The majority of men, words of affirmation, physical touch is number 1 and 2.

You are right because before we hopped on here, I had my two best friends do the same quiz. They are pretty even essentially with the exception of maybe 1 or 2. One of them had 30%, 23%, 20%, 20%, and then 7% so pretty even, and then the other one had 33%, 30%, 17%, 10% and 10%. That’s interesting.

For me, Receiving Gifts is at 3%. I have had my wife and my daughter take this quiz. They are both pretty even. I had my son take this quiz and his gifts were at the top but that’s because he’s a fourteen-year-old boy. He was like, “Give me stuff. That’s my jam.” It’s going to change as kids but you can see where your teenagers are at. This is a helpful tool for teenagers. If you are parents of teenagers, haven’t taken the quiz, there’s a family one, too. They have a relationship, a family, a friend. There are different ones that you can take and how it applies to your family.

You might take the quiz and after you complete the quiz, it says relationship, friends, family. You click on the family. It still shows your quiz results but how does it relate to family, friendships or relationships? It shows you different options. Staying on the topic of relationships for my wife and me, she’s even across the board. My goal as her husband is to want my wife to be happy. I want my wife to come home every single day, wake up every single day and be like, “My life is good.” It goes with the cliché saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” Not in the negative connotation that some people say like, “I do whatever my wife wants me to do because of happy wife, happy life.” No.

If I can love her in all five of these ways, it’s not going to fail. That’s not 100% sure. There are always outliers and different things that happen. I would encourage anybody that’s in a relationship or anybody that’s single to take the quiz. Take a look at it, see where you are at and how you like to be loved. I don’t think this will be on a first date but say like, “Take this Love Language Quiz because I want to see how you like to be loved.” Even a few dates right after you have been dating for a while, is a super helpful tool and it helped me realize that my wife’s number one is Quality Time. Number two is Acts of Service. Number three was Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts was number four, and then Physical Touch was number five. For her, Quality Time was 30%.

This can have a major impact on your relationships, on how you see yourself, and how you see your partner in your relationship. Click To Tweet

That’s why I set out. Playing video games is my getaway. Throw headphones on, listen to music, play video games and veg out, not to worry about life or the world. She’s got a kick-ass schedule at her job where she works Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and half-day on Friday. She has Wednesdays off. She has Friday afternoons off. She has Saturday and Sunday off. Wednesdays are her day.

We wake up. We go to coffee and Costco every Wednesday. We talked at the coffee shop for about an hour, and then we go to Costco, try to stay under $100 but if you could stay under $100 at Costco, you are not human. There’s always cool stuff at Costco. We almost bought one of those massage guns like physical therapist stuff. She’s like, “It’s on sale for only $150 today only.” I was like, “That’s a pretty good deal.” We ended up walking away but we love doing that. In the afternoon, we watch a movie together, cook dinner together and then we go our separate ways after that. She will go to the gym but the majority of the day is hers.

It’s the same thing on Saturday. Saturday, we wake up. We go do something together as a family, whether that would be going for a hike, a watering hole or a community pool because we don’t have a pool in our backyard here in Alabama. On Sunday, we do the same thing. We are not going to church because Aiden has cystic fibrosis.

We want to be super careful with him and keeping him home but we try to sit around a laptop and watch a church service online. We will talk about it. We will all do a Sunday family dinner. We all sit down but all of these things are tied into my wife’s quality time. She likes quality time with the kids and with her husband. That’s what makes her tick.

YGYG Tim Love | Love Language

Love Language: If you’ve been in the dating scene, you are in an advantageous position where you know what you want, what you like, what you don’t like.

 

 

When it comes to Gift-Giving, Acts of Service, I talked about Acts of Service in cooking or cleaning. I’m not saying that’s your job and her responsibility or I’m doing her a favor by doing her job. It’s just I know that it comes from a pure place where I know that if I don’t do it, she’s going to and why would I want her to do those things if she’s at work all day? I’m going to take care of it that way. That’s one less thing that she has to worry about.

Receiving gifts, a lot of people can misinterpret that as materialistic like a gold digger. If you come out at 60% receiving gifts, that’s how you like to be loved. It could be a range of not material gifts or compliments. There are a lot of different ways to give a gift besides some flowers. That’s why I wholeheartedly believe that this can have a major impact on your relationships on how you see yourself and how you see your partner in your relationship.

If you both take the quiz or even you take the quiz as you did by yourself, you could look at this and be like, “This is my number 1 and my number 2.” When you go out into the dating world or you are dating somebody, if you are focused on it and you are thinking about it, you can see how they love and how they like to be loved.

It’s an interesting thing to think about where people can get trapped and get messed up in this. I had this problem for a long time. My number 1 and number 2 are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Instead of loving my wife the way that she likes to be loved, I was loving her with how I like to be loved. I was blowing her phone up with, “You are beautiful. I love you so much. You are amazing. Thank you for being my wife and being the mother of my kids, staying home with them, sacrificing this and sacrificing that. When I get home, I will grab your ass. I will lay on top of you. I want to cuddle with you, rub your feet, hold your hands and put my arm around you 24/7, 365.”

When I wasn’t getting the same in return, I was super confused. I was like, “I’m doing everything right. I’m complimenting her. I’m telling her how pretty she is. I tell her how much I love her and how amazing she is. I’m showing my physical affection towards her.” It’s not always necessarily trying to drag her into the bedroom but being near her, touching her and trying to love her the way I liked to be loved. It wasn’t working. I wasn’t getting the same in return or I wasn’t getting the response that I wanted.

For a long time, I thought that’s just maybe how she was or maybe our relationship isn’t perfect but it’s okay. It wasn’t until we took this quiz and we went to counseling. Counseling helped too but the counselor had mentioned, “Have you taken the 5 Love Language Quiz?” We were like, “We have.” We dug deep into it.

She taught us about it. “Your goal is to love your partner the way that they enjoy being loved, the way that speaks to their heart the most.” That completely changed the game for me when it came to my relationship with my wife. I started doing things with regards to quality time, going out of my way to make sure that we spend time together and go to places even if I don’t want to go.

I do not like shopping. I like shopping for food and groceries. I don’t mind that. When it comes to going to the mall and she’s going to go to Charlotte Russe, try on 27 pairs of jeans, 38 shirts and walk out with one pair of jeans and two shirts, and we are there for two hours, I do not like doing that. When I go shopping, I go to Amazon. I pick out my size, pick out a couple of design T-shirts that I like from Grunt Style, buy 2 or 3 of those, a pair of jeans and I’m done. It takes me five minutes and it would be here on Tuesday.

It’s not my thing to go to the store and go shopping but that’s totally her thing because it’s quality time. I’m showing her that I love her more than what I want to do. I want to sit down and do nothing. She wants to go spend time together at the mall. I’m putting what I want to do aside and we are going to go spend time with her. That has been super important in our relationship and in the growth of our relationship.

I have no relationship discussion aside from the fact that I’m curious what my ex-husband’s love language would have come out as. I’m not a quality time person. This would apply to anybody who doesn’t have quality time. I can be away from you all day and I don’t need any of that. I also don’t necessarily enjoy physical touch but there are some triggers with a physical touch that I don’t want to be touched. I can hug my friends and put my arm around my friends but when a man tries to touch me, it’s a whole other story. I’m like, “You can keep your hands to yourself.”

Even if you are in a relationship with him?

Me and my ex-husband, I didn’t thoroughly enjoy being touched unless we were in the bedroom. I don’t know if all men or most men do this but it was annoying as we would get out. He used to flick my boobs like he was playing around. If we were driving somewhere, he would be reached over and flicked my boob for no reason at all. That should drove me insane. I don’t know if that plays a part in why I don’t want to be touched but I’m sure it does.

I can tell you that it does. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I have never done that.

I’m glad. Don’t do that. It’s annoying. No woman wants their boob flicked, I’m sure but when you are sitting in the car, you reach over and flick your wife’s boob for no reason at all, I can’t stand it. The thought of it makes me cringe. I have also got a history with an ex-boyfriend. With physical touch, women, sure but men, no.

Physical touch is a touchy one. There are a lot of emotional trauma that you can have from previous relationships, even from your first relationship when you were a young teenager to your last relationship that you were in. They talk about emotional scars and emotional trauma is very deep. It’s deep-seated and deep inside of you. You won’t even know. It will be a subconscious trigger for you, emotional stuff but the way that our brain remembers physical trauma, whether that be abuse or physical annoyance.

Physical touch is in our frontal lobe. It’s something that we can consciously think about because when somebody touches you, it’s sending nerves to your brain and your brain is saying, “Somebody is touching you.” If it hurts, it fires up those pain receptors in your brain. That’s all happening in the frontal part of your brain.

Physical triggers are way more consciously known and will show their face often. From my mental standpoint, my physical triggers are extremely loud noises. I don’t like them. It puts me on high alert. It gives my entire body goosebumps if I hear something extremely loud. Blood noises mean bad things in a deployed zone when we were deployed. That’s a blanket statement coming from a physical standpoint.

For you, with the way that your ex-husband treated you in that sense, it could affect your future relationships if he’s reaching for you to mess around with you. Your brain is automatically going to trigger into, “I’m going to cover my chest because he’s going to flick my chest.” It’s a natural trigger for you like, “Don’t touch me.”

Your goal is to love your partner the way they enjoy being loved, the way that speaks to their hearts. Click To Tweet

I will tell you that’s normal. That’s okay. When you have a new relationship, you can set up those boundaries. You are in control. We are coming up on our anniversary. We were eighteen when we’ve got pregnant with our son, and then we were engaged and married at nineteen. I would say an advantageous position being on or near my age that you have been in different relationships as an adult and you have been in the dating scene.

You have seen things, talk to people and hung out with different dudes. You are in an advantageous position to where you know what you want, what you like, what you don’t like. I would say probably by the 1st or 2nd date like, “This guy is touchy. He won’t keep his hands off me. This probably isn’t going to work out.”

The good thing about all of this is that I know what my love languages are but when I do start dating somebody, I can set the tone for that relationship on what I want, what I need or what my love languages are.

Don’t have any shame. When you’ve got married super young, you compromise on a lot of things that you want because it very much is puppy love. The puppy love turned into we were pregnant, which turned into marriage, which turned into pregnant again. We had to learn the basics of a relationship while we were already married with two kids living in Southern California broke. Living in Southern California is super expensive. We had all these things piled up. The divorce statistics for somebody under the age of 21 with 2 kids in the military in Southern California, while your husband’s deployed, was 94%. Take the deployment out of it, you are still at 82%. Take the kids out of it, you are at 71%.

The statistic of failures is extremely high in the scenario that my wife and I were in. We made it through. It was not easy. We had to learn how to be in a relationship, live with somebody, be a parent, budget, do bills and clean groceries. We have never done any of those things before. We still have arguments, disagreements, and that question that you ask in your mind like, “Is this somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with?” Not necessarily a divorce. It’s just you have that question in the back of your mind not like, “I guess it would be divorce but is this something that I’m willing to deal with and compromise on or does this something that we have to talk out?”

YGYG Tim Love | Love Language

Love Language: If you’re single, you have that advantageous position where you can spend time learning about yourself, learning about your do’s and don’ts in a relationship, what you’re willing to compromise on, and what you are not willing to compromise on.

 

 

That’s why once a week, we go to coffee. We have a big old leather couch. We each get our coffee, get a little Danish, face each other on the couch and just talk. That has been instrumental in our relationship. We can get that into another day, another episode about divorce, marriage, what it takes to stay together and stay apart. I can tell you that using the 5 Love Languages has been extremely beneficial to my relationship, not only with my wife but with my children and then friends, family and coworkers. It’s a great tool.

I hope other people take what you said to heart and try to figure out each other’s love languages so that their marriage can thrive as well. I will use mine in the future at some point.

If you are single, take the quiz, learn about yourself. Another thing is you have that advantageous position where you can spend time learning about yourself, learning about your dos and don’ts in a relationship, what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not willing to compromise on.

I’m learning a lot about all of that. I’m not even talking to anybody or dating anybody but with my most experience, I’m not who I was before I’ve got married. I’m a completely different person. If somebody who knows me before I’ve got married is hesitant to get in touch with me or wants something different, I’m a different person so they need to grow up. I’m not the same person.

I have to learn to adapt because before I’ve got married, there were definitely things. My love languages before I’ve got married I’m sure would not be what they are now. It would be completely different. I’m single and my marriage has ended. I have had time to think about how things ended, why things ended or all of that. Things are different.

That’s another thing with this thing. Take this every couple of years. I’m pretty sure that when I was nineteen, I was 98% Physical Touch and everything else was zero but years into a marriage, that’s completely different. Every couple of years, maybe the week of your anniversary when you go out for your anniversary celebration, take the quiz and see what changed from last year or the year before.

It could be something different but being in a relationship, one of your responsibilities is to learn as much as you can about the other person and love them the way that they would like to be loved. That will bring forth benefits for both of you in a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. Everybody wants a fulfilling relationship. Part of the American dream is to have a house with kids, and then you will have that fulfilling relationship. This is a key to help you get to that fulfilling relationship.

Hopefully, everyone else can use these tools.

That would be awesome. Do it.

Anything else you would like to add, Tim?

That’s it.

 Important Links:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.