An expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. In this episode, Christina explains why the general problem with today’s society is lazy expectations. You have to be intentional at fulfilling it. So if you’re looking for a fulfilling relationship, have a conversation with your partner about your goals. If the other person does not take the opportunity to fulfill your expectation, the relationship will go nowhere, and you’re wasting your time. Don’t miss out on this episode!
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How To Fulfill Your Expectations, Part 1
Are we talking about expectations in regards to a relationship, a friendship or a parental expectation?
My hot take on expectations is going to involve and revolve around all three of those aspects. Remember those three, friendship, relationship and parenting. The definition of expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. You have a strong belief that something is going to happen but the problem with the majority of people that I know or that I see it doesn’t have people that I know, just in general with society in this world is that they have lazy expectations. What I mean by that is you have an expectation that your child is going to act a certain way.
Do you also have an expectation that your relationship is going to go a certain way?
Correct. Have you done everything in your power to make sure that the expectation is going to be fulfilled? The answer to that for the majority of people is no. Do you want your child to do that in school? The expectation would be, “Yes, of course, I will,” but then do you do flashcards with them? Do you sit down with them and do homework, read to them, have them read to you, practice their spelling tests with them and practice Math problems? We have the expectation part. I don’t do that either.
My eight-year-old does his homework on his own. I get it but if you are talking about my five-year-old who’s in kindergarten, I don’t do shit.
You have this expectation but not necessarily because it would be disingenuous of a parent to look at their child and say, “Go get good grades.” Not doing anything to help, and then punishing them when they don’t get good grades but we have this general idea or expectation that we want our children to do good in school. Who doesn’t want that? There’s not one parent that’s like, “I don’t give a shit about my kids’ schooling and I don’t care if they fail.” I have not met a person like that. We have this expectation that they want their children to do well in school.
Those people exist, though. It’s just that none of your friends or people you talk to.The best thing that you can do in a relationship is to set goals, portray your goals to the other person, and have a conversation about them. Click To Tweet
They then shouldn’t have children. I don’t want to associate with pieces of shit. In my point, in all of this is, you have lazy expectations but then you get bummed out when those expectations aren’t fulfilled. We will use a good example. My own mother is a saint. She went to the extreme when it came to her expectations of wanting smart children.
She sat down with me. I have videos on VHS tapes every single night when I was two when I was barely starting to talk. We did the ABCs, numbers, books, and then 3 and 4 years old, I did flashcards. I did addition, subtraction and reading. I was reading books by the age of 5 and 6. When I went to kindergarten, these kids didn’t know their ABCs and I was reading books. That pushed past its way because I’ve got a jump start on these things. Now we can sit here and talk about schedules and split parenting. There are a lot of factors that can go into this entire equation.
If we can talk about split parenting, I have a step-parent that the other house who’s going to school for teaching. They do more at their house than they do at mine but to be fair, I am only one person over here. They have two people over there. Their expectations are a little different, whereas mine may not match theirs. Does that make sense?
That does make sense. I’m making very general statements when I say it. Different situations apply. If you are a single mom with three boys, your expectation from the time that you pick them up to school and by the time they go to bed is that nobody dies, they get some food in their mouth, maybe 1 or 2 of them get based, somehow someway we make it to 9:00, everybody goes to bed and we are okay.
I have a step-mom. I call her the babysitter. I have her who judges me from time-to-time because I have looked at her and said, “I choose my battles. If they don’t want a bath that night, then they don’t get one because I’m literally by myself.” Dad and mom are not here. It’s just me. If my toddler is like, “No. I don’t want a bath.” “Okay. You can go to school dirty tomorrow. I don’t give a fuck. I’m not the teacher who has to smell you all day.”
Those are the expectations that I make sure my kids are bathed and their homework is done every night. My eight-year-old didn’t do his Tuesday night homework and I was fully expecting someone to text me and say, “Why he didn’t do his homework?” He comes home with a packet of ten pages. Monday night, we didn’t go to baseball practice because it was canceled and I was like, ”Do your reading like you are supposed to. Get your Monday night homework done, and then the rest of it you can do at your dad’s house with the babysitter.” That’s typically what I have him do. He did every single page of that packet Monday night and came to me and was like, “Here, mom. I have it done.”
When he went to bed, he’s like, “I didn’t do my Tuesday night homework,” because every night he has to read a passage, the same passage he read the day before because it’s comprehension homework and answer the questions. Every night it’s a different set of questions. He didn’t do Tuesday night’s set of questions, and I was like, “It’s okay. You did every other page of the packet. I’m not concerned about it.” My expectation was that the babysitter or their dad was going to text me and be like, “Why didn’t he do his homework?” I didn’t hear anything.
What I would say to that is you should have texted the babysitter.
What would I say to her?
“We didn’t get one of the pages of the packet done. We had a busy night,” then you remove the entire expectation there. Everything is fine. We could even break it down even further. Teaching in America is garbage. My entire college career and people are like, “You went to school online and you’ve got a complicated degree in Engineering Management. There wasn’t any side.” All of my electives were business classes that were a part of the Business degree. It’s like a dual degree in one type of thing. That’s why it took 5 years instead of 4 years. I did it all online. I didn’t learn anything.
The one class that I learned the most in was my Excel class, I took an Extreme Excel class that was worth one credit. I’ve got 156 credits. My one-credit class was Extreme Excel. I learned, in those six weeks, everything I needed to know about Excel, and Excel is an amazing program but it was the way that the teacher taught it. There was no homework, quizzes and tests. It was, “Here’s how to build this program on Excel. Here’s how to build this, do your finances, spreadsheets, graphs, and here’s how to do this, that and the other.”
He showed us how to do it then he gave us a little bit of homework on recreating what I did in class, and that was it. Everybody got 100% but I learned so much because of the way that it was taught to me and I was an instructor for three and a half years. The way that I set up my classes, I don’t think homework should be a thing. That’s stupid.
There are a lot of teachers that I have found who taught us during high school are now on the whole No-Homeworks Club but they send homework home. You are now on the No-Homeworks Club but you sent plenty of homework home when we were in high school and didn’t give a shit.
When I was working full-time, playing basketball full-time, you were cheering and softball. Did they care? No.Write down what you'll do intentionally to fulfill your expectations. Click To Tweet
It was like, “No. You are a high schooler. You’ve got sports. You can manage, figure it out.”
You then have the other side, the pussification of America, which I agree with. Kids got to grow up at some point, and then learn responsibility and time management. Going back to the expectations. I fail all the time. This is not the Tim on a high horse saying like, “This is what I do and this is why my expectations never get this and that.” No. I’m following my own advice here.
It’s something and I came up with this because my wife and I were talking about expectations. It’s an intentional expectation where if you want your child to get good grades. You have to be intentional about it. If you want your relationship to go a certain way, you have to be intentional about it. If you want your friendship to go a certain way, you have to be intentional about it. If you sit back and do nothing but have an expectation that something is going to happen, 9 times out of 10, that expectation will not come to fruition and you will be disappointed.
Why do I feel like you are talking about me?
It’s because it applies to everybody. There’s something in everybody’s life where they have an expectation of a result but they are not intentionally chasing that result. It is a huge problem, whether it’s your boss at work, your workplace, where you work, your relationship, parents, siblings, boyfriend or girlfriend, child, husband, wife, dog and anything.
I have an expectation that this dog is going to be my service dog. If he’s going to follow me wherever I go, he’s going to behave but if I don’t put in the time, the effort and the training, he’s never going to reach that expectation because I have to do repetitive training over and over to fulfill that expectation. I have to be intentional about it.
Do you know what another word for intentional expectation is? Setting a goal. It’s practically the same thing. What is the goal of this relationship? What is your long-term goal? We talk about short-term, long-term goals, 5, 10 and 20-year plans. When you are looking and evaluating your friendships say, you and me were close friends, and you do something that irritates me and pisses me off. I have this expectation that you are going to realize that you piss me off. You are going to apologize but you don’t know that what you did hurt my feelings so that expectation never comes to fruition. Instead of looking at it as an expectation, look at it as a goal.
What’s the goal of you and my friendship? Do I want this friendship to continue? Does this person bring positivity to my life, make me smile and feel I’m cared for? I want to continue that friendship. I want to fulfill that goal because I’m being intentional about my expectation. I’m going to go to that person and going to say, “On Monday when you said XYZ, that hurt my feelings.” That person should, most of the time, be like, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”
I have had that happen. I take communications training through work. It’s an hour every week where I sit down with somebody and we talk about expectations, feelings, needs, communication and all of it. I have gotten a lot better at that but my expectations are expressing my needs in a relationship.
We can call them that. I hate how society viewed and looked at relationships. If a woman tells a man, “I need words of affirmation, reassurance, and I need this. If you are unable to provide those to me, you need to tell me now before my heart goes further down this trail because I don’t want to get hurt,” you have men and women, men and men, women and women, including all letters of the alphabet mafia. No matter what you do in any relationship, the best thing that you can do within yourself is set goals for that relationship, turn around, portray those goals to that person and have a conversation about it.
We are not fourteen anymore. I hear my daughter talk to her friends and I hear her talk back and forth about, “This person said this and it hurt my feelings,” and she’s getting all emotional and shit about it. That’s teenager stuff. She’s figuring out her own way of being able to communicate. I have had these conversations with them that say, “If this person hurts your feelings, tell them. If this person is leaving you on red, tell them.”
Why are we sitting in a place of waiting or hoping expectation gets fulfilled but then not doing anything about it. We go back to when my wife and I were extremely struggling like on the verge of divorce. We literally had a moderator called up. We were going to meet the moderator and everything was going to be set and final. We went on one last date and we climbed on top of Pointe Tapatio Cliffs of a hotel. You could go park at the restaurant, behind the restaurant, up to the top, and get a 360-view of the entire city.
We talked about expectations. We talked about what do we want to see in 5 or 10 years. Do our expectations align? I told her, “Do our goals align? Do we want the same things in life? Do we have the same goals?” You could find out about somebody, whether it’s your sibling, your family member, a new relationship or an old friendship. There’s nothing wrong. At the end of the day, you want to protect your emotional state.
What I’m saying is that your emotions control everything else. Your emotions control your physical responses, mental stimuli, mental responses and your dreams. Your emotions are the ruler of your body. If I am angry about something and my dog wants to go outside and play ball but I’m angry about something completely different, I will be like, “No. I’m not going to go play ball now. Leave me alone.”For your expectation to be fulfilled, you have to go chase it. Click To Tweet
I will take his ball and put it up there. You are like, “That sounds horrible. Why would you do that? The dog wants to go play ball,” because I’m angry at something else. Everybody, figuratively speaking, takes the ball away from the dog, he goes and puts the ball away every single day of their life because of the way that their emotions are affected by their expectations.
I want to break it all the way down to that expectation and tell the people to have intentional expectations, and by doing that, set goals for yourself in the relationships that you have in your life. Break down the relationships that mean the most to you. Look at them, inspect them and say, “I want to work on this with Andy, Joe, Tim, the babysitter and my son.”
Write them down. I have a pen and paper. I know that’s old school but we have a cell phone with a notepad. You have an iPad with a notepad. You can write stuff down and hone in on setting intentional expectations with relationships in your life, which will have you better connected and feel better emotionally, which in turn improves your mental health and physical health because your emotions are held in check.
I would say for the people and homework, pick one relationship that affects you emotionally. Break that down to your expectations of that relationship. Set some goals then be intentional with those expectations on what you want to see happen in the next months or years with that relationship. For your expectation to be fulfilled, you have to go chase it.
We live in a society that has expectations and they don’t do anything about it. They get mad, upset, and nothing happens because you are not doing anything about it. I’m living in Huntsville, Alabama. We have zero friends and families but we are friends with the neighbors. He’s 23 and his wife is 22 and they have had a baby. We are friends with them.
The neighbors are in their 40s and their oldest is 23 and we are in the middle of 34. If we have a mature conversation like if we want to talk about parenting, parenting teams or something, we are going to hang out with the neighbors but if we want to go drink some beers and talk bullshit, we will hang up with the twenty-year-olds because we want to stay up past 11:00. My wife gets jello shots when we go over to the 23-year-old’s house.
That is the homework. Write down one relationship that you want to be improved upon. Write down the goals that you want to see in that relationship. Write down those expectations, and then write down what you are going to do intentionally to have those expectations fulfilled. What I was saying is, as I said, we live in a society that expects things to happen for them.
I’m living in Huntsville, Alabama with practically nobody because I don’t want money to be an issue. Money has been an issue for 34 years of my life. We have had times where we fed the kids and we didn’t feed ourselves. Think about this. We were twenty years old. We had a 1-year-old and a 3-month-old and we were living in Southern California on E-3 pay.
That’s not much.
We’ve got diapers, wipes, formula, and then whatever is left, I filled the car up. That was what we had for two weeks, the 1st and 15th. Those paychecks that were the fifteenth are on a Friday and the first isn’t until the following Wednesday. There are three weekends in there. Those paychecks sucked. We were hungry. My expectation is that I never ever want money to be an issue.
I intentionally went out and got a specific degree that relayed to what I did in the Marine Corps. I worked my ass off at Fluke Calibration, built up this resume. Now I’m working for the government as engineering support for the US Army. It was a pay cut to come here but after one year of probation, I’m going to be substantially more than I was making at Fluke.
It’s an automatic promotion for the first ten years but my goal isn’t going to stop until I have no debt, I’m driving what I want to drive, I have a badass house, my kids’ college is paid for, I get to travel whatever I want, and I have stupid amounts of money in the bank to do whatever I want. That is my personal goal and expectation. I’m willing to make the sacrifice and willing to do whatever it takes for that expectation to be fulfilled.
I will tell you that most people don’t do that. Not necessarily about my situation, just in general with expectations. They have an expectation of their children, parents, siblings, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, spouse, wife, pets, their work, work employees that either work for them, peers and bosses. They have an expectation of how they want to be treated but they are not doing anything to be treated that way because they haven’t even told them how they want to be treated. That’s my hot take on expectations.